A Big Little Girl's (and sometimes her big self's) whisperings

experimenting

2009-02-15T18:40:45Z

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testing

2009-02-09T15:32:44Z

am trying to see if i can do the cut and link.... if this works... then whoever reads it will know that i cut my hair. well, went and had it done. it still has length to it, but the split ends were so bad i had to get it cut and had about 5 inches cut. it does feel a bit funny even with that bit off... but my hair looks and feels sooo much healthier and i don't have as much static. .

icky day

2009-01-26T20:54:54Z

don't like being sick! it no fun.

lilgiwl @ 2009-01-23T10:55:00

2009-01-23T15:57:12Z

untitled

2009-01-15T20:21:46Z

sharks are silly

2009-01-06T18:17:05Z

i watched this video on msn and then found it on youtube.... just watching it, i was amazed and a bit surprised. one cuz the shark kept seeming to taste the sub... but also it seemed to be smiling.. but i guess the main thing that surprised me was how majestic it looked.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=h5U3FI4_85E

ramblings

2009-01-04T22:48:54Z

made it thru last night... i knew i would even if really scared... i played with my lellies, my my little ponies, some barbies, even did some jigsaw puzzles and lots of sewing. i got my mending basket almost all empty... only thing left now iis a shirt that i cut out over a year ago as well as some material with patterns to make me a dress and a skirt.

just got thru playing wii sports and figuring out the wii channel and the internet channel on it... it really has some way neato stuff.

not sure why.. but right now i feel all grumpy. i wanna stamp my feet and jis fwow a tantrum. sometime i jis feel this way.......

i also know i gots to do the last assignment for english but don't wanna do it.. but i gots to... guess i'd better do it...

am sewing again

2009-01-03T06:31:43Z

it sure feels good to be doing a bit of sewing again... school has been so crazy... that i haven't done it in a bit.... but i knew i needed to at least try to get working on stuff in my sewing basket. so on new year's day i got pants hemmed for hubby cuz he was issued new pants for his job and also did a few for one of his co-workers for which she is paying me.

but what is way cool or least i think it is..... is wed night when i was sleepin i had a dream and knew exactly what i was gonna make for me. i've had this really cute fabric for about 18 months and just haven't done anything with it... its a very pretty pink (very little girl pink) and it has some sparkle to it and it has the word princess all over it... i made a very cute set of baby doll pajamas... with ruffles. it has the mini nightgown (supposed to be babydoll type shirt but on me its a mini nightgown) and shorts which look more like bloomers or as I call 'em mini pantaloons....

it turned out sooooo cute... well to me its cute. i just got thru with it. i know its like after 1am... but i hadda finish it.

**********
oooo...... i watchin the boomerang channel and i just saw thundar and now i watchin mightor......cool... johnny quest is on now... think i'll watch that and then go to bed.

christmas

2008-12-30T20:34:38Z

i guess next year i better be careful what i sing.. cuz... i kept singing i want a hippopotamus for christmas and i gots not jis one.. but four of 'em... cuz there four of 'em in the game hungry hungry hippos. lolol

it good christmas... i gots a remote control tinkerbell and lots of chokky. since i gots lots of chokky i got a battery operated toothbrush. it a hello kitty one. it was pink and i gots tinkerbell toothpaste... bubble gum flavored...

i relaxed and got some much needed counted cross stitch done and got part of my english homework done early. now all i gotta do is get the extra credit work done.

i also tried writing a new story... this time doing something different and i think its ok.... not sure if i'll post it or not.... as don't think its some of my better stuff...not sure how to do a cut and link.... so here's a small bit...

......She cared so much for her friends and all of them accepted her whether she was in a more little mindset or a big mindset. Tonight was a much anticipated sleepover and everyone tonight who was little had been changed and put into diapers ready to snuggle down and watch a movie before bed.

It had been one of her fanatasies and it looked like it was about to come true, yet here she sits scared......

fun quiz results

2008-12-18T14:26:17Z

friend on here had lots of cool quizzes so i took some of 'em and this is what they said. now if only i could find a quiz to determine what type of little i is... that would be way cool.

What's Your Power Bird?

Your Power Bird is an Eagle

You are spiritual and able to soar to great heights.
You are a true inspiration, and many people look to you for guidance.
And you are quite demanding in relationships... but you're worth it.
People know that you will become even greater than you imagine.

What Color Is Your Psyche?

Your Psyche is Violet

You are spiritual, intuitive, and serene.
People trust you to rescue them from bad situations, and you usually come through.
While you are quite enlightened, you find that your path is very lonely.

When you are too violet: you can't connect to ordinary life or ordinary people

When you don't have enough violet: you lack wisdom and can't learn from the past

All-Around Smart

You are all-around smart. Essentially, that means that you are a good combination of your own knowledge and experience, along with having learned through instruction - and you are equally as good with theoretical things as you are with real-world, applied things. You have a well-rounded brain.

40% applied intelligence
20% natural intelligence

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

my weekend

2008-12-17T13:43:40Z

i had a super fun weekend for the most part. I was over at a some friends house helping them.

several things happened that made me remember a question i was asked quite a bit ago and that was

how much of a sub was i...

at the time the question was asked this person had found out that i had been to another friend's house to furbaby sit and it was suggested that if i got bored i could clean the basement. well... i did. it was a job and took me all weekend to do it, but i did it.

i am not a sub. never claimed to be. i am a little thru and thru. i do get why the question was asked.

the thinking behind doing it was not from a sub minset but from a little's mindset... wanting to do something that i knew would please jsut like a child likes to please a parent. it was sort of how i felt this weekend. i had fun helping...both from a little's and from a big's perspective. helping friends is fun... no matter what my mindset.

but i think was really made the weekend fun was that i guess i really could be me. i could be little or i could be more adult or both at the same time.

Trying something new

2008-12-09T19:05:04Z

(got this from a friend's blog and since it said to post in my LJ... I doing just that.)

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often or ever) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph in your LJ and see what your friends come up with.

lilgiwl @ 2008-12-01T14:45:00

2008-12-01T20:03:44Z

Its the first of december. so now its the beginning of a new month and i'm sitting here feeling out of sorts. worried about being behind in classwork, kinda of tired cuz bedtime is all over the place, and losing focus at work and at other things.

this morning i managed to get up, do about 10 minutes on the treadmill and then did like 30 minutes of a core workout. for breakfast i had about half a grapefruit and then a small bowl of barbie cereal.   spent last night thinking about my weight. thought of the dance dance revolution game i have, the different excercise dvd's i have and was both encouraged and discouraged at the same time.

i want soo much to lose the weight and get in shape, yet realized i lack the self-discipline to really do it. i know i have friends who support me both in real life and online.. yet... something is missing... i think i know yet... in my mind and heart it seems too weird.

a few weeks ago i attended this rather interesting class. even tho some it made me feel a little funny.... i did have fun. and to me what made it cool was that i learned a few things about myself. one, i'm not as nutty as i thought.

had an ok thanksgiving. spent most of it just chilling and catching up on shows i'd recorded over the last month or so. should have done homework/schoolwork but didn't. mainly i just let myself go numb and not think about it. i love this time of year cuz of the weather and all the pretty lights, yet it is also the time of year i dread the most. i don't like the holidays much... each year am trying to get to like them and to learn that this time of year can be fun... to not let past affect me.. but it still does.... but each year it does get less and less.

for the first time in not sure how long.. i actually want to put up our christmas tree and do it this week. i even want to hang my up my stocking.

mischeif maker

2008-10-23T18:49:54Z

Completely and absolutely up to no good!

my visit

2008-10-13T18:26:34Z

i got to spend yesterday with my goddaddy. we got there around 3;30 and hubby immediately started helping him wifth a neighbor's car and then they did our car. i winted inside and got hep with my math homework and then did a little bits more of some of it to get caught up.

had a nice time talkin with one of goddaddy's kids and it did feel like she considered me her godsister and i her... it was fun cuz we both had the same thought... more family... more prezzies at christmas. heeheehee.

then after car done and dinner i was called into goddaddy's office and he showed me pictures and had me read a story he wrote and then we had lots of talks about all sorts of stuff... and i was allowed to be little for a bit but at one point he ever so gently told me ... I need to hear your adult speaking. and I did and then he thanked me for listening to him and doing as he asked. that made me feel good.

he really wants to help me.. to heal, to grow, to become more stable.... and we talked win i more big mode that i wanna lose weight and he will hep me wif that toos. him eats pretty good and walks about everyday and excercises and he did work in health field so him knows stuff.

him a really good goddaddy.... and it made me all warm and fuzzy to know that if i had ever growing up told him i wanted to live with him... he would have done everything in his power to get full custody of me... he does consider me not a goddaughter but one of his own daughters and he has no trouble as we get to know each other better after so long being aprt of being my daddy and raising "little" me. what that means, I don't know and well... that's soo scary but safe at the same time.

cool visit

2008-10-06T01:35:42Z

I had an absolutely wonderful time.

Arrived and were practically met at the door. Was welcomed with open arms. He served us pancakes, turkey bacon, and fruit salad with a variety of juices and coffee. Had a nice chat during brunch and then C (godfather) motioned me outside and we had a heart to heart talk. He knew stuff was going on and he and his 1st wife had actually been trying to get evidence and wanting to get custody of me but then folks moved and he was never able to get the evidence he needed.

After a bit we all got ready to go to the fair. We brought extra garb but only S his wife now dressed up. S says she is happy to be my godmother now. She told me that years ago when I first met her and she told me again yesterday. (His first wife died of diabetic complications) There and back lots of general chit chat and some serious talks. C even apologized for not trying harder to keep up with me and for not being ther before. I told him it was ok... He was there at least when he could and he is here now. I was able to tell him why I'm in therapy... all of it includng my BPD... and he was like.. he wasn't surprised.

It was a great visit. Lots of laughter, lots of catching up... lots of heart to heart stuff. He is even going to come down later this week and help W and teach him about replacing the calipers on the front brakes.

To think... the only reason why he created a facebook acct was so he could keep up with his son who is in the dorm at college.... tho he sometimes comes home on weekends..... and just out of the blue i decided to try facebook and found him.

W is glad I found him... today he is amazed at how i lit up yesterday and how i have seemed to come alive... to him me finding my godfather is meaning good things and he is sooo happy for me. C and hubby hit it off. It was such a great day and am sure we will be seeing quite a lot of him as he is only like 40 miles from us.

in shock

2008-10-01T15:18:11Z

after like eons i found my godfather and am in contact with him. and he lives in md so not far from us.

numb

2008-09-23T20:40:50Z

everything is going well and at the same time everything seems to be falling apart. things are all jumbled inside and not sure where to turn or what to do. nothing is truly simple anymore.

one day at a time

2008-09-05T19:47:53Z

i know this is probably not really adult content persay... but felt it better to put it that way... today and well, the past week it has been a struggle... at times a minute by mintue struggle to not give completely give in to the tapes in my head. the tapes that tell me i'm stupid and not worth anything and that i'm never gonna be good enough....etc.. i know i have depression and anxiety and a personality disorder and sometimes things really aren't easy. Some days are harder than others..... sometimes i can go weeks with hardly any trouble with fighting stuff insdie and other times like now it can be so bad its one minute at a time day.

Most times I keep stuff inside/bottle up. its easier to to talk about the small stuff and say this is going on or that or talk about things that upset me that are not really big.... than it is to admit the day to day struggle. the tears that come from being scared of so many things, the reality that at times it takes all the strength I have to not collapse inside myself.

I know I have friends..but I dont reach out... its something else I am trying to learn and deal with... that just cuz they have problems doesn't mean they aren't there when I really need them...I can reach out to them and want to help them when they need help...., but when it comes to myself the old tapes like to play.

last night didn't help things any.... We changed our cable/net/phone provider yesterday...... We had comcast and now have Verizon fios. Their remote is so complicated and trying to reprogram new dvr with shows I recored was almost impossible. I threw a royal fit and it lasted for a bit. It also didn't help that I had a not so good session with my therapist.

Poor Woulfy had no clue what to do. And I was so upset, miserable and somewhat in Little mode that I could not explain much nor tell him what I thought I needed. I think last night if I had anyone that could have put a stop to things he would have called and said he is bringing me right over.

I wish things like remotes and computers weren't so complicated. I like as few buttons as possible to get what I need done. However, give me something like a sewing pattern or counted cross stitch and I can do it. It might take a bit to figure out.. but eventually I do and can do it calmly.

I guess if I think about it, I wished someone would have taken remote and told no tv and put me in a time out until calmed down, then once calm, pulled me close for a hug and get me to voice what is wrong and why frusterated and just let me get it all out and then once out and can at least listen.. then have person explain to me why actions/behavior not acceptable and tell me consequences and by then would be listening and accept.. nto want but at least understanding why...

ok.. so that's in a perfect world... and also from a more little perspective as sometimes I really don't know how to react in a more appropriate way.. hence why seeing a therapist and also one reason why i do need that so called parental figure.... .

Am doing a bit better this morning.. but still not to happy with new company. who knows.. maybe in a month i'll think its easy and wonder why i got so upset.

even tho doing better.. its still a struggle. today to keep going i've just told myself i got 100's on my trig tests. i must have some smarts to do that.

a weird dream

2008-09-02T16:47:17Z

I had a strange dream the other night...

I dreamed that I went to a neighbor's house, someone who I'd only spoken with on the street but somehow felt she could help me. Hearing come in, I came in and sat down on her sofa with my feet kinda tucked under me and watched as she put out these candles. The candles where on like a lazy susan but in the center of it was checkerboard. The candles were on the edge of it... it was a circle. Small white candles like birthday candles. As she put them out I had the feeling of what she was doing was some type of voodoo, the house for the most part had that feel.. It wasn't scary it was like a matter of fact type of thing.

As I began to speak, she got up, came over to me and sat on a stool so we were eye level and she asked if she could put her hand on my heart. I knew what this meant and nodded my consent. She put her hand on my heart and then her other hand on her heart and she whispered something. As she chanted those few short words, I prayed to let myself be open so she could see my questions, she could see some of what I have experienced in real life and why I am confused.. but then I also asked for her to see the very real little girl in me.. to see the longing I have for a parental figure. It was shortly after I felt like she saw that the she took her hands away and then looking deep into my eyes... she finally spoke.

"Ana." A long pause... "You have been rather naughty as of late, especially your mouth. Little girls who say curse words will have their mouth washed out with soap. Go get the bar in the bathroom."

At this I changed from big to total little girl in head space and even tho I had not been in her house before, I knew where the bathroom was and I went and got the bar of soap and took it to her. She was now sitting on the sofa and I stood before her with head down ashamed and tears in my eyes.. but no arguing... I accept my punishment of biting down on soap and facing a wall for 3 minutes. Then after that I was taken into the bathroom because she felt that my mouth had been so bad cuz I was dirty inside... All done lovingly and afterwards I was put in pull-ups and the cutest jumper.

The next part is a bit fuzzy.. but I either called him to get up for work that night or I put on regular clothes over little girl ones and went home and got him up for work and packed some stuff for myself.. nightgown, elephant, clothes for next day or he packed them and brought them to me... not sure...

but what is clear is that I was put in a nice warm bubble bath and got to play with some really neat bath toys and that I didn't want to get out... which got me into trouble. Not sure what happened but I didnt like it... Then in nightgown and being tucked into bed.. but I didn't want to go to bed cuz wanted to stay up and play.

That was about it. I remember waking up and thinking strange dream... but also wondering if part of me is closer to 3 than 7... not sure... also... why the voodoo part at the beginning... to me that makes absolutely no sense.... unless I look at it from the standpoint that in my longing for the parental figure that is a fit for me..... part of it is I want someone I can talk to about religious stuff.. to ask questions... to help me figure out some things. I've seen, felt, experienced things that I at times scare me and other times I have no clue what to do with it.

long weekend

2008-09-02T14:56:58Z

saturday i spent the day doing some comparative shopping for some things and also trying to figure out what I am going to do regarding my speech class.

Saturday afternoon I logged onto my course since I'm taking it online. Printed out syllabus and other things and then I realized that I had gotten the wrong book. As i got book online and not thru college i had no proof of purchase and so can't exchange it. then to make things worse as I read the syllabus and saw all the writing and what some of things I had to write and I lost it. It not a good day. Even a good nights sleep didn't help completely but I did finally come up with like 5 different options.

1-step waaaaaay out of my comfort zone and attempt the class even tho will get behind in reading cuz will be a few weeks before can get book.

2. swap for class that starts 2nd session and uses book I do have even tho it meets at least 4 times and is required

3-swap for class that meets on campus on fri and sat for a month in a concentrated form and gives me plenty of time to get proper book

4-see about swapping for a different class but since class is closed see if can be put on waiting list

5-drop class and try again in spring.

If drop class I will still have 13 credits/4 classes. And with one being a 5 credit math... perhaps it might be best. I guess what I'm worried about and feeling is that if I drop does that mean I'm a quitter or stupid? Reason why I was taking speech online is cuz I do not do well speaking in front of others. Even a group presentation is hard. I have note from therapist explaining that and my English teacher from last term saw it first hand. Even during group presentation I had to grip table cuz I started to go pale. Even after class over with teacher came over to make sure I was ok cuz she said I still looked a bit white.

Now I know how one does a speech class online.... lots and lots of writing.. but 4 papers anywhere from 4 to 7 pages in length? Some of it is analyzing... Not something I do well at... Any class I have taken and that was required I either failed the class or at least failed that assignment... I don't want to set myself up for failure ... I have enough trouble with stuff without that.......but I don't want to feel stupid if I drop or cuz I didn't even try..........

Then to make things worse... got up sunday morning and no internet. Hubby tried most of day to get it working and no dice. At least I was able to study for my final for my summer class. Thot he had it working but got up yesterday and still no internet.. its hard to do online classes if no internet. I was not happy... not at all.

But, I didn't sit and do nothing.. I actually worked on my sewing/mending basket and managed to hem/fix like 4 pairs of work pants for hubby, mend a shirt and redo a skirt that I'd bought at a yard sale. Net is up and running on all computers but my laptop. So.. am having to use hubby's laptop at home and he has to use the desktop. (heeheehee)

books, books, books

2008-08-30T18:07:16Z

I hate the price of textbooks !!!!!!!!!... grumble grumble grumble

To me it is soo ridculus to pay over 100 bucks or more for a simple textbook that you may not even be able to sell back at end of term. Its crazy. Soo... since have to get books for me and Woulfy.. we started checking online and found that there are all sorts of places to get the books for less. Some not that much less when add shipping.. but every bit does help.

We still have 2 more books to get but don't need for a few weeks yet. I'm hoping my book for English I can borrow from the library or just go on campus and read in their library. That would leave only one more computer book for hubby.

I think the best find I found was my text for math... instead of paying About 140 for the book I found it for like 54 new. It took some looking at all sorts of sites and searches.. but it was great. I did the same for all our other books... I think by doing it this way, we are ending up paying like 2/3's less. Still quite a bit of money but no where near as much as if had bought at bookstore. Just hope that the other books come this week. Do not want to get to far behind.

And as for folders and stuff.. we hit the back to school sales when things were like close to pennies on the dollar. School sure isn't cheap.

its been a long week

2008-08-28T15:05:57Z

this am had doc appt for my eyes. Have been having some itching and flaking and some redness/swelling. When co-workers ask if I had a black eye its time to go see the doctor. Its nothing serious, just some type of dermatology problem. Was given some ointment to put on about 3 times a day for next few weeks. Only problem but no real problem, is that the ointment is not carried at the kaiser I go to, so I have to pick it up at another kaiser.

Last night was my English or Comp 2 class and I left at break and told instructor that I would be dropping her class. I just said that since I couldn't get the books for about 3 weeks I would be to far behind and that not being able to speak in front of the class I needed to drop.

It was the truth but what I didn't tell her was that everything she was requiring and how she seemed so unyielding in things scared me and I was feeling really stupid. I left almost in tears and managed to hold them back until I got to the car. I have to take this class if I want to graduate from NVCC... but after last night I wondered if I would. English is my worst subject.

Once home I got on the computer to drop the class but then after talking to my Hubby-Woulfy.. I looked at the school schedule and was able to swap it for a different time... this time online but starting 2nd session. I'm still not sure about it and don't feel very confident to put it mildly... but I'm at least gonna try.

School

2008-08-26T13:48:58Z

Well, fall term started last night at NoVa. I had sooo hoped to take final for last summer class right before class but that didn't work out cuz other things were happenings. I would have actually taken the final last week if I hadn't been sooo interested in the olympics and a few other things like hubby getting sick.

Tonight I have my precal w/ trig. I cannot believe the price of textbooks.... am getting all mine online... its lots cheaper... in bookstore my precal book was like 178 bucks, found it online for like 54. Not all books are that much cheaper, but enough where its worth it even with the shipping and handling. Even then its hard to afford all the books... sooo will be talking with my comp teacher and maybe she has some I can borrow for a few weeks till can get them. All I can do is ask.

Computer teacher last night was great... but we didn't have class. Half of the campus computers were down due to a vista upgrade, and that included our classroom. So we had like 30 minutes of class where he just talked about a few things, cuz he wasn't even able to print out the syllabus for us. And he said we didnt need to get new version, previous is fine... that's good cuz that will also help save on books.

This is going to be an interesting term. Now if I can just stay focused and not goof off , I think I'll do ok.

am a little scared

2008-08-22T17:09:37Z

hubby came home after going to radiology and turns out all they did was xrays. sent report home and the kidney stones are still in his kidneys but twice as large as the one he passed. doc wants to send him to do a sonar thing to break them up to make it easier to pass and not cause pain... cept one problem... soonest can get him in is the 1oth of sept.

what happens if try to pass in tween now and then... doc said if they do he just has to go to the er... these are bigger....

i know i have to be big.. but right now this is scary and i don't want to be.